hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
