You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
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