people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Randomize
