make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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