The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
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