If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
