I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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