Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
