Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
lol hangovers are for mortals.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
