ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
