apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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