He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
