Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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