You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
