At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
