i need an iv and a liver transplant
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
