I'm gonna have a badass scar
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
