her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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