i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Randomize
