I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
