I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
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