You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
