all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
