no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
The air was thick with penises
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
