ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
