I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
