If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
