Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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