our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
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