So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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