Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
There's always time for handjobs
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
