Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
