I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
3pm strippers are depressing
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
