i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
