And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
