Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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