his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
