Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Randomize
