I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
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