I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Randomize