Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
