i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
