can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
And then my night got REAL pukey
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Randomize
