I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
