i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
