if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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