Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Its about making memories worth repressing
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
