you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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