Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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