So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
