How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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