Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Two words: blizzard sex
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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