My underwear smells like fireworks.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
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