Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize