and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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