The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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