You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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