I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
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